Family conflicts/ rivalry in our homes

A family is made up of a father, mother , brother, sister and a baby . That's how my son defines a family and when I try to tell him that his uncle from both sides plus his cousins are a family, he dismisses and says  they don't belong to our family. 

He is four years-old  may be when he will learn about types of family that's when he will understand it. 

A family is a group of people of father mother and children or near or distance relatives who are related either by birth, blood or they  have a common ancestry. 

Most families tend to stay together,and even they do things as a family. They can have family gatherings,and some special ceremonies that they visit each other they drink and eat together. Through this it creates strong family ties.

I have seen most of families helping each other in terms of finance,food , clothes and other basic needs. Or when or if it just happen that one of their member dies , they will gather and plan a good send off to the deceased. Each family has a certain  sum of money to contribute and this creates a good bondage a month the members.

Through this activities the family ties extends and even they start the chamas or merry go round to contribute monthly.

Most of the members have developed financially and other haven't. But even if all this togetherness, visitation, stretching an helping hand to certain people and the officials try to maintain peace and cohesion. Even in the market you can't or you will not miss mad man or woman that who tries to bring chaos and disrupt people.

Even in most families you can miss a weed that wants to grow in a rock even where there's no essential or even if the conditions of germination are present, there seems to be factors that affect germination. So in every family even if  both of them are staunch Christians there will be a pagan who will go against the Christian's teaching. Likewise to family members. There are some members who are ever opposing on whatever decision which is being made in the family. 

They stand to be against, when others are going to East,them they are moving to West. So when making decisions it became a difficult this creating enermity. You can make proposals and you agree, but two or four people they go s head and they will hold their side meeting and they start criticism and eventually conflicts arise or emerge.

The family members envy each other and even they don't greet each other and some start believing or practicing sorcerer and they end up killing each other.

So in every family which is like a society or a community , it has a lot of conflicts. The following are types of family conflicts. These conflicts can be  a result from land , marriage,will,money,children ,cattles, poultry or even gossip or jealous.

Siblings- siblings conflicts

Have you ever seen the siblings who grew up in the same homestead and they slept , ate,played together and eventually they became enemies. This rivalry became through over a small or a slight mistake. It could be due to property distribution,kids who fight unnecessary over food because they don't want to share, or you find that no one wants his/her items to be touched by somebody else.

This unnecessarily fights comes and even if a parent tries to intervene, they will leave for sometime and they will start again.

Also the older siblings will quarrel over property sharing. For example if the parents had alot of wealth and if it happens that the father has passed on before had divided the properties to his children, definitely it will result into disagreement.

Parent-parent conflict

Have you ever thought that their would be a conflict among parents? Yes it's true,because they would be fighting over things like:

 They would be disagreement on who provides to the family. Most families tend to know that it's only the husband that provides for the family. So even if the wife is working she doesn't provide and she forgets that if the husband God forbid he dies she will take the full responsibility of the family.

Another point,where you find the husband or the wife is a drunkard and seems not to care about his/ her family. Imagine somebody who goes to drink and comes home at midnight not knowing what the kids ate, did the children do the homework? Did they take bath or did they encounter any challenges at school or at home. So through this weird behavior leads to fight among them.

 Parent-children conflicts

There are some cases where the parents have disagreement with their children. The children will be lacking respect to their parents or parents not providing for their kids.

Some parents tends to forget their responsibilities as the parents in the house. For example they tend not to care about  what their children are going through. They don't bother to be near their family members and they act awkwardly when they are wrong.

I have seen where a father doesn't pay school fees, buy basic needs like clothes,food and good shelter ,

Parents who have partiality when it comes  to owning properties. You find a parent has  a tendency of loving some children more than other,even he / she makes the children hate one another. The children start to scold each other that you are not loved because you don't Excell in class.

Some parents site with children to go against one of their parents, especially the mothers.  You find the boys love their mothers and if it happens that their father is drunkard ,they will not respect him. They will not have that children dad love instead they will not even give food to him ,because they think that he isn't a good father.

Children also they can despise their children because they are poor. Most of the teens at their early age ,they don't want to introduce their parents to their friends because they feel that they will be looked down by their colleagues. So you find that parents become disturbed . If it was parents needed in school, these kids can even do it intentionally not to show their schoolmates, because they don't drive like other parents. They keep on abusing them why can't they be like other parents who own vehicles and other luxurious things. Through all these, it creates enemity between the parent and children.

Cousin -cousin conflicts

This conflicts comes due to inherited enemity between parents. You may find that, cousins from the father's side have the grudge may on issues of land or any other properties. They don't even say hi to each other and they don't borrow anything from one another.

A parent can prevent his/her children from even playing together, schooling in the same school,or even they don't visit each other not forgetting eating at their cousin's home. This rivalry has even caused some of the kids not to have that extended fraternity in them. They don't even respect their aunties and uncles or even their fellow age mate cousins.

Most of the cousins can fight due to ancestral land that their grandfather's had. They feel that one family was favoured that the other one. They even end up in court so they they can get justice. Some have sorted to even put parameter walls that they don't want to see each other.

There are other conflicts in the family like physical,sexual, psychological,verbal and mentally. 

If you have any other conflicts you can add it in the comment section.

7 Ways to normally engage your children in various situations.

Do you have children or are you intending to have them in future. How are you planning or engaging them in various activities at home or outside your home. 

Do you allow them to active or passive in the house. I know most of the parents have nannies, houshelps or shamba boys and you don't allow your children to do house chores or even try to learn some skills that would help them in future.

Most of the parents , they don't even allow the kids to be associated with some activities. They say that they have hired the nanny,house helps  and their is no need of kids doing the chores. They instead allow the children to watch cartoons, movies and even they tell them read, forgetting that no work makes jack fully boy.

You may force your kids to read and forgetting that they are not associated with white collar jobs. They maybe having  a passion in doing odd jobs. Allowing kids to practice unskilled skills will help them to to develop mentally and physically.

The following are activities that you will engage your children at various situations.

 1.Doing house chores

House chores are sometimes good for our kids. You can allow your children to do the following

  .Washing utensils. Children can be involved by washing utensils. You should make rules that if he /she has finished eating or taking any food ,they are supposed to take the utensils back to the sink and each and every one should wash it. Sometimes you may find the sink is too high for them to reach but you shouldn't worry. Do this, look for basins let them put water and they start cleaning the utensils. Make sure they place the duster or moppers ready because they can pour water all over. Instruct them to clean the floor after they have finished. Doing this they will become responsible and they can easily develop positive impressions on cleanliness.

  2.  Cleaning the compound. You can make your children to clean the compound by doing the following: collecting litter, sweeping,uprooting the weeds.

 3.Feeding the poultry. If you have poultry in your farm you can engage children in feeding them. They can give the feeds and give them water or they can also clean the chicken house or collecting the eggs.

 4.Reading. You can keep busy your kids by involving them by reading story books and they tell each what they have learnt. This would lead to good memorialization and easily remember. They can also be reading the Bible verses to each other. You give out the verses to read and you assign each and everyone what to read.

5.Competition. Children can be competing each, through memory verses, reciting poems,reading the Bible verses,singing, dancing,counting,skirting , running along the compound, playing with blocks by building houses with different levels,colouring 

and other activities. I am sure if you make them busy, they will enjoy and develop mentally, socially, physically and even spiritually.

6.Adventure. You can take your children to new places like museums,animal Park,archives, archaeological sites,for example in Africa you can take them to Fort Jesus,kariandusi Koobi Fora,and others. They can learn alot by seeing than reading from books. If they see wild animals like lion ,elephant, giraffe, cheetah, hyenas and other animals,they will have a know how knowledge than reading from books. They can ride on a horse ,swim, twisting tunnels, the slides, climbing nets, bowling, darts, golfing . Children like to discover new things and activities in their life and this will make them to be more active in life.

7.Going for tutions and tutorials. If children are at home for an holiday,just look for tutions sessions that can keep them busy. You may take them to practice on how to sing,play pianos, guitars, computer lessons and some creative arts. Most of the kids enjoy making or discovering new ideas in life. 

Don't leave your children to be idle,just engage them in activities that can enable them to develop mentally, socially, physically and even spiritually. 

Please if you have any other tips on how to engage the children , you are free to list them in the comment section and don't forget to share .

The 17th May month of "Stella Wangu"

Have you ever met somebody in your life and you become lovers. Then your fiance or fiancee good lucky gets a study visa and goes a broad to study. You commit all you have for him/her to go including selling your old car, a plot plus the cattle not forgetting fundraising for that person. 

The person promises to marry you after completing the studies. The person doesn't cut off communication and you think that you are together only to be shocked on arrival that she/he is married to another person. What would you do?

The month of Stella, is a Kenyan song that's is remembered by all Kenyans on 17th May each year. It talks all about a certain lady who went to further her studies at Japan for three years. 

Mwamburi met Stella in 1991 when I went to perform at Garden Hotel in Machakos after my band, Everest Kings, shifted base from Thika. That's according to Mwamburi the boyfriend to her.

At the time Stella was studying at the University of Nairobi, but she left for Japan in 1992 for further studies. She later informed me she wanted to settle down and I gave her my blessings.

The lady had her fiance who sold everything including,the shamba,cattles and other properties for her to get the ticket to go to Japan. 

The lady went to train as a nurse and they had a greed that when she will come back ,they will marry and have their own family. So the husband (fiance) to the lady made all the requirements and the lady was successful. He even escorted her with the relatives hoping that she will come back and help the society. 

After three years of completion , the lady came back and her fiance went to the airport to welcome her. He went with his family members including the uncle. So as they were excited to waiting for their one and the only one 'doctor' as they are being referred by most of the people they don't differentiate between the nurse and the doctors. 

In Kenya nurses are being recognized to be female and that's how local people understand. A male nurse is being referred as 'DAKTARI' referring as doctor. So if you are a lady and even if you are a doctor or a specialist the call you'SISTER' referring to a nurse.

So if you are a doctor and you happen to work in most of the hospitals in the villages and when you hear' Sister's don't get surprised because that's what they know. Literally sister means a physician, a doctor but referring to a female doctor.

Back to the story,the lady was supposed to come back from Japan on 17th May 1992 .The lady arrived safely and the husband freshly looking was eagerly waiting pick the lover of his life. . As people were coming from the plane , the husband was shocked to see Stella carrying a baby, and behind her the was a short 4 feet inch A Japanese.

The guy had to cry with all the langauges he had including from his mother's side and the father's side because he wouldn't believe what he saw. He was expecting Stella to come back and they start a family and now she had been married to a Japanese. It was a shock also the family members who went to welcome her back.

The guy stills had to beg Stella to come back . In his song he sings"Come back,come back Stella, I still need you baby x2

Mwamburi, crestfallen and heartbroken, would then hit the studio and recorded the ‘Stella wangu’ smash hit song that has been passed down from generation to generation for three decades.

May 17, 2022 marked 30 years since that heartbreak, and as Mwamburi continues to heal from that heartbreak.

The guy later got married and he has a beautiful wife and children . The singer affirmed that he had long forgiven Stella for the heartache she caused him and is happily married to the love of his life.

Spending time with your kids.

How do you normally spend your time with kids whether during the holidays, weekends,weekdays,after and before school?. I know most of you get trouble and tantrums from kids especially when they are young and you wish you find yourself a place to go and have some rest.

But there's no option to that  because you're the parent,the guardian that can take care of them. Even if you quarrel, you beat them you close yourself in a room to avoid all kinds of noise from them ,at the end you are the one to who end up dressing them, bathing them cooking for them. So you have to organize yourself and give yourself hope that one day you will be settled.

The following are the ways on how to spend time with them to avoid alot of dramas in the house.

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Playing

Kids like playing moreso when they are at home. You can organize for them various playing activities like,racing around the compound,playing football,rope skipping,singing,dancing, reading books competition, memorizing Bible verses, reciting poems, playing darts, Chess, skirting and many other activities.

If you engage them with these activities, am sure you will enjoy your stay at home instead of your house becoming  a boredom. I know there are kids who are chaotic even if you try to involve them in various activities,they tend to be distractive,ever destroying thing in the house. They create shambles and heck in the room.

Their way of disciplining them is to involve them in more activities, setting strict rules and giving rewards and praising them and this can help out.

Setting rules

You should set thorough rules in the house that should be adhered to by everyone child in the house. If there are teens in the house try to tell them the time they should be in the house. If it's before 5:30pm they should be at home and whoever who goes beyond that , he/she knows that what to get in terms of discipline. So if they know the rules and you adhere to them ,they will be eventually be keen and they will be in their toes not to go against them.

If it's young kids, set some boundaries that there's no fighting in the house,no scolding others,no use of a busive or offensive langauge. If one tries to do that, the discipline will follow.

Giving rewards

Whenever a kid or your child does good reward him/her,because if you praise next round the notorious one will also change their bad behaviours.

I know most of you will be against this method because it will be wastage of resources. You can buy your kids presents like good story books, writing materials, playing items that can attract other children to be good. 

Be flexible

Try to be like kids. Most of the kids like parents who like to be like them. Sometimes they can start a joke and they want you to join. Or they want to play with them or help them to do their homework. Don't ever shout at them ,scold them instead join them a little bit this would give them the morale of doing whatever they were doing .In this being flexible,you can do the following :

Having daily routine activities 

The  children know each or they see the activities their parents do each day. If you give them a chance to practice, they can do marvellous and excellent. The following activities can be done by then:

1.Cooking together. You can show your kids if they are at certain age on how to make meals like cutting vegetables,making tea or coffee, rolling the chapatis,cooking ugali and many other meals

2.  Washing clothes. Children love playing with water. Whenever when you are washing clothes, make sure you assign your kids some work like,washing their handkerchiefs,their underwear these can make them busy and they can't disturb you anymore and you will have a smooth day.

3. Mopping or cleaning the house. I know most of parents moreso mother's they don't want their kids to touch water or pass near where she is mopping, because this can make them to fall down and break their backbones. But try to engage them whereby you can squeeze the mopper and make sure it doesn't have much water that can make to fall down. If you do this am sure you will make your kids to be responsible.

4.Gardening. If you can involve them in gardening the flowers, vegetables, even watering them it can reduce stress in the house. Assign each child to plant fruits and make sure they take care of them until they bear fruits.

5.Arranging the rooms or clothes. Sometimes try to make their room untidy and assign them to make it tidy. Let each child arrange his/her clothes or spread her bed but under supervision. I mean under supervision, you direct them in a polite way and if they make a mistake and you rectify them, they will essence of your corrections and they will follow sooth.

Be attentive

Just bear attention to your kids. Most of parents nowdays are being married by phones. You find a kid has something to tell you or she wants you to show her for example homework. Instead of listening to your kid, you turn away the kid without helping him/her. 

Make sure your phone should not distract you from taking care of your kids. The soap opera, Afrosinema,and zeeword should not be your first priority in the house, but instead be attentive to your kids. 

Most of the parents have sorted to seek how to bring up their kids through the internet, whereby they have sorted to fast food,leaving kids to spend more time on TV's not even bothering to see what their kids are watching. You find a mother or a dad telling her kid to go and watch TV because she doesn't want disturbance they end up spoiling kids who become addictive to tv.

Make  sure whatever they are watching it's educative and doesn't go against child right.

Children sometimes they are troublesome in the house but if you involve them and try  helping them to discover their various talents instead of sitting and watching in educative movies. 

Being in the house make sure you ensure that your kids don't get tire but they should be vigorous and curious to develop positive skills in life that can help them to apply in their whole life.

I request to live a comment and share and you are allowed to add more tips on how to spend time with your kids.